I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
