All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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