I love black thongs
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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