He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
