Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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