Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Small penises have feelings too.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
