Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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