something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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