Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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