she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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