i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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