There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
