im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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