do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
