so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
