Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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