If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
