he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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