Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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