she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
