I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
