i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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