I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
