EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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