I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy