thus making me awesome and them whores
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
These 25 Soulless Industries Have Been Scamming Us For Years
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE