The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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