He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
