You don't have asthma, your pregnant
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
did i just pee glitter
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