I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
