According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
