you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
