the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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