The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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