Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
