hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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