Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
