I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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