You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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