He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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