I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
