I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
COCAINE IS GR8
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