Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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