If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
