And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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