i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
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Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
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I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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