Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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