You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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