i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
