I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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