Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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