A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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