Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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