You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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