I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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