Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
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i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
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Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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