We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
