I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
