Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
