so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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