I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
