You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Randomize
